Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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