new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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