I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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