She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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