I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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