I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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