i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I need a burrito and a hug.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
