I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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