the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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