Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I need moral support for this bender
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
