why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
