I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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