he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
