My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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