Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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