His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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