I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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