I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
