would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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