They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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