I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
