god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
