Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
