I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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