On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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