i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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