she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
