Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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