She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
