someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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