im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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