he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
