If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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