this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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