I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize