A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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