my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
