she was so not down for the gang bang
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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