I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
