I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
