he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
