She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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