I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
