you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
