the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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