im drinking this country out of the recession.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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