I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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