I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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