now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
