I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
