it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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