i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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