census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
