what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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