thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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