jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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