I faked an abortion last night.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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