Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
